lolzmelmel

I suck lmao.
Updates on my life: I finally got on a sleep aid, Lunesta 2 mg. It works pretty well. I would get a decent night's sleep if only my freaking cat didn't insist on waking me up at 5 every morning because he wants me to let him out. As a result I'm a freaking zombie when my alarm goes off at 6:50 to wake up my husband for work and it's really hard to get up to wake him up.
I watched The Avengers: Infinity War and almost cried. No spoilers but omfg. At least my favorite Avenger survived so that's a relief.
My birthday is in 5 days. I'll be 26. I can't believe I'm already this old. Omg.
My mom bought art lessons for us to do together but I haven't been able to do them because my headaches have been worse than usual, but the pain was a little better today so tomorrow I might be able to do it. 

I did have pretty rough morning. I usually sleep in the morning because of my headaches but today I was trying to and ended up getting sleep paralysis, which is just as horrifying even if you don't open your eyes. There were so many voices saying awful things, though i don't remember any of what was said. It was like my psychosis kicked into overdrive and tried to make up for months of being on a medication that stops it. And of course I couldn't move even though I was trying really hard. 

Speaking of my medications, my psychiatrist wants me to go get blood work done to make sure my antipsychotic isn't messing with my cholesterol and blood sugar or ruining my liver. I guess that's the price I pay to not have hallucinations and delusions and intrusive thoughts all the time.

I lost a cat recently. Fuzzy had a urinary blockage and heart and kidney failure, so he had to be put down. It was really sad but at least he's not suffering anymore. I'll upload a picture of him. I've probably uploaded pictures of him before but I'm going to find one and upload it anyway in his memory. 

So right now I'm tired as all hell and my head hurts but I have to get ready to go to the gym with my husband, then we'll go grocery shopping and probably get one of my medications that I'm going to run out of this week.

I'll try to keep up with this better. 

It's been way too long since I logged in. I'm sorry.

I don't have any ideas for art right now but I'll try to think of something.

So I've been... okay, I guess. I'm still getting headaches on a daily basis, but I'm on better psychiatric medications. Unfortunately I haven't had therapy since December 2015 and it shows. Just because I'm not overwhelmed by psychosis much nowadays doesn't mean everything else is okay. I still have executive dysfunction through the roof and have trouble focusing on tasks. At least I think I've gotten my anger under control thanks to my medications.

I'm trying to get my shit together and do things like clean my room and be more responsible but it's hard when my shit brain freezes up the second something is difficult.

At least I can do laundry a couple of times a week, give my cat his medicine twice a day, and make my spouse lunch for work every night.

In other news, I've reentered the Sherlock fandom and have been roleplaying my fem!Moriarty muse, who I have also cosplayed. If I haven't posted my cosplay pictures of her I will. I haven't seen season 4 yet so I started from the beginning and I'm up to s2e3. 

Idk what else to say. I might write more later. But now I need to hop off and go cook something.

Yeah, I just want to complain a little about what's going on with me.

Lately my psychosis has been kicking up. I've been having a lot more hallucinations and paranoid delusions than usual.

There are people who live in the walls of my house and they watch everything I do. I'm not sure that they're quite human, since they have really thin, flexible bodies that let them squeeze a bunch of them into the small space inside a wall, and they're dark and translucent. They're also covered with eyes and mouths so they can see everything and tell me lots of things at once. I don't know how many there are, just that they're crammed into every wall in my house. Somehow they follow me to other places too. I'm not sure if they have secret passages or portals or if they just have communication devices planted in my head but they talk to me even when I'm not home. They know everything but they only tell me what they want me to know. Usually it's things like who's watching me, who's plotting against me, which water fountain is poisoned, where's safe or unsafe to go, etc. They tell me how to keep myself safe by avoiding unsafe places. I hate them because they're scary and annoying but at the same time I feel like I have to listen to them and be grateful to them for protecting me. They've been around for a while, I don't know how long.

I keep seeing and hearing other things too and it's getting really annoying. Sometimes it's scary but usually just annoying. 

I have an appointment with the psychiatrist next month and I'll tell him what's been going on. An increase of my meds might be in order.

I've also been having almost nonstop migraines for days on end. Headaches and migraines are a nearly daily occurrence for me anyway but usually I don't have to take medicine for it more than once in a day. Lately I've been having to take the maximum number of doses to get any peace.

One of my delusions I've been having is that my migraines are being caused by mind-reading devices planted in my head by the government. I don't know how or why they would do that, I just know they want to spy on me.

The more sensible part of me suspects that the migraines have to do with my scoliosis, like they usually do. A bone in my neck sometimes slides and pinches a nerve, causing killer headaches.

Speaking of scoliosis, I have a couple of ribs out of place. This is also a regular occurrence. But I can't see my chiropractor to get them fixed because I'm behind on my bill. They won't make me another appointment until I pay off some of it and I might not be able to for a couple more weeks. The ribs will go back into place on their own eventually but in the meantime they'll hurt a lot and be very inconvenient.

So those are my complaints. I'm coping with the psychosis with a couple of memes I made up, Schizoaffective Seahorse and Delusional Dormouse. I'm coping with the pain with medicine and tea. I know it will get better eventually, I just want to vent a little.

TW for suicide mention.

Okay so I'm planning on writing a fic where the ending of Frozen turns out differently. Anna's act of true love was too late to save her and she froze permanently and basically died. As a result of this, Elsa snaps and goes Evil Ice Queen. The fic will be pretty dark and effed up and I'm so excited.

Here are some headcanons I came up with for this fic. Most are copy/pasted from a notepad document where I have them all saved.

First, Elsa's ice magic is basically controlled by her emotions, right? And you know how much stress and fear and self loathing she has? 

She's tried to kill herself several times, telling herself that everyone would be safe if she was gone and that Anna would make a better queen.

But her powers wouldn't let her die. Remember how she protected herself from an arrow without even thinking about it? She flinched and closed her eyes and when she opened them there was a wall of ice in front of her and the arrow was stuck in it, right? 

If she tried to throw herself off a height, enough snow would appear under her to cushion her fall.

If she tried to drown herself then the water would freeze into a sort of "bowl" under her so none would get in her mouth or nose and she could climb out safely.

If she tried to hang herself, an ice pedestal would rise under her and prevent her from falling and being choked or having her neck broken by the rope, or the rope would just freeze and break.

If she tried to cut or stab herself, the blade would freeze and shatter before it could break her skin.

If she tried to poison herself, the poison would freeze and stick in her mouth, preventing her from swallowing.

And if she tried to kill herself with her own ice it always failed. She can't get hypothermia or freeze to death, so that's out. Any icicle she tried to stab or impale herself with would refuse to go any further when she got it close. Once she created a pit of ice spikes and threw herself into it. The spikes burst into soft snow before she hit them and she didn't get a single scratch.

This happened because in spite of her fear of hurting others and her self hate and belief that she was a monster and that everyone would be safer without her, she was afraid to die. Her fear of dying caused her powers to defend her from herself.

In the fic, she may or may not attempt to freeze her own heart in an attempt to numb the pain of losing Anna. But since she's immune to the cold, while it might make her colder as a person, she won't die or turn into solid ice. It may physically preserve her though, so she won't really age and her body will be preserved for a very long time and even when it does finally start to deteriorate and age, the dying cells are replaced by snow and ice so eventually her human body will be gone and her soul will reside in a body made of ice until someone figures out how to destroy her. The most effective way would probably be to stab her in the heart with a weapon that has fire magic. But until someone is able to get near enough to kill her, she'll continue as a destructive force, keeping her kingdom essentially cursed as a frozen wasteland where nothing can thrive and everything is dying. If her heart could be thawed or if she could be killed, the curse would be broken and the kingdom would thaw. But until then, she'll remain alone in a cold, dark castle, in a cold, dark land that she cursed to reflect the state of her heart and mind. It's cold, dark, cloudy, maybe snowing most of the time. But when she goes into a rage or has a breakdown, blizzards and storms come and can be deadly.

She's driven out any and all reminders of Anna, the childhood memories they had, and reminders of the happy life they could have had. Olaf and Kristoff and Sven are gone(either exiled or having left willingly, but they are still alive, just no longer in Arandelle), all the dolls and toys they played with as children are gone, even the paintings that Anna used to talk to in her loneliness are gone. It's all dark, hollow, empty, and gloomy. Icicles hang in every doorway and fall on idiots who enter without permission.

She kind of reminds me of Walpurgisnacht, the huge witch from Puella Magi Madoka Magica. The witch's nature was helplessness and she had no choice but to spin aimlessly in circles, going from place to place destroying everything and wishing someone would destroy her so she could stop, but being unable to stop because nobody was able to destroy her and every time someone failed to destroy her she only grew more powerful and her hatred and despair multiplied. That's what's happening to Elsa in my AU thing. She wants to stop cursing the land and destroying everything with her powers but she can't because her despair and hatred are too strong and she believes even if someone could stop her, nobody would want to because that would be the same thing as saving her, and she thinks she's so undeserving of salvation that saving her would be spitting in the face of everyone she hurt. This is another reason she'd be unable to commit suicide and it would be very difficult for someone else to kill her. She feels dying is too kind a fate for her.

Elsa taking "Revenge is a dish best served cold" literally.

People attempting to assassinate Elsa, only to have every attempt fail because her ice magic protects her too well and kills them.

Elsa pulling a Hulk on them and saying with a bitter laugh that they can't kill her, she knows, she's tried, but no matter what she does or what anyone else does, her magic won't let her die.

Elsa displaying her wrath for the assassination attempts by bringing down a winter so cold and dark it could be considered a plague.

Some brave idiot pulling a Katniss and saying "If we freeze to death, you freeze to death with us!" Only for Elsa to laugh and remind them that the cold never bothered her anyway as she freezes them from the inside by creating ice in their organs or bloodstream, then walk away after they fall lifelessly to the ground.

Elsa being a terrifying queen driven by anger and hatred and made more dangerous by her incredible magical ability as well as being very mentally unstable.

People calling her the Ice Witch instead of the Snow Queen and Elsa embracing that title.

Elsa being dark and brutal and having an insatiable hunger for revenge that she feels she can't curb until she destroys everything, including herself.

ICE GORE, TORTURE, AND KILLING

PSYCHOLOGICAL HORROR

GRIEF

ANGER

DEATH

Also a few quotes I plan on using in the fic.

"I've lost the only thing I had, the only thing I was afraid of losing. There's no point in fearing anything anymore."

"I'm not afraid anymore. I was afraid before, afraid of hurting An- hurting her again. But now she's gone, and she took my fear with her."

"There's no fear.. No pain... No sadness..."

"You can't hurt me anymore. You can't take anything else away from me. I've already lost everything."

"Would Anna have wanted this?!"
"Anna is dead, and if you dare say her name again, you will be too."

"Feel my pain, Arandelle! You deserve it just as much as I do! My heart will never know warmth again, and neither will this land! The sun will never shine here or give life to anything here again!"

And my favorite

"No, Hans... My sister is dead because of you. She trusted you and loved you, and you betrayed her, broke her heart, put out the fire that could have kept her alive until she could be saved and abandoned her. You let her die a death that was probably agonizingly painful. Do you know what it's like to freeze to death? Maybe I should let you find out. But it won't be half as quick for you as it was for Anna."

Let me know what you think! If you have any cool ideas (pun so intended), feel free to share them! I'm so excited to write this!